If I only could, make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places
by O'Im Only Joking
Summary: Ste feels regretful about his marriage to Doug, and even more so when he realizes he's been keeping more secrets from him. Can Ste convince Brendan that they can give it a real go at a relationship now? Not the best summary, but please read if you want to.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I know there's plenty of better hospital scene fics out there, but it seems we all have a lot of feels, so here's what I'd like to have seen. **

**Enjoy x **

You sit in your car outside the hospital.

_Start the car and leave, turn back around and leave the boy alone. You've made your deal with God…a deal is a deal. _

But you stay rooted to the spot.

_He's asked to see you, to see __**you. **__Cheryl's words run around in your head. _

Then you start to think of Douglas. They're married now; husbands. You're no good to Steven, he's made his vows. And you know you're no good for the boy, you've told him that yourself. You've told him to stay away; you've promised yourself you'd do the same. But that's a lot easier said than done.

You've been worried sick for days. You've done nothing but have nightmares about seeing him the way you did. The way you fell to the ground when you saw him, the wind been knocked from you. You felt sick. You felt like your life had been taken away from you.

So you went to speak to God. You needed answers. Why? Why Steven? You had been punished enough. You were trying to change, change to be a better man. For yourself, for Cheryl, your kids and Steven, but it seemed God had other ideas.

_What are you still doing here? Leave. _

You take your wallet out, and take out the photo you have of Steven from the wedding invitation. Your thumb strokes slightly over his face. You want to touch it for real. You _need_ to touch it. To believe that he is actually OK, you know Cheryl said he was, but you need prove for yourself.

You look up to the roof of your car and breathe, "I'm sorry."

XO

Your legs take you to him. You look through the glass to where he is. He's sleeping, you feel like you should just walk away again, but you don't.

You continue to stare. His beautiful face all swollen and bruised and scratched, you hate it, but you know he's strong. He's stronger than he looks and you know it.

He starts to cough and holds on to his ribs in pain. Within a flash you're in the room by his side.

"Here Steven," you take the glass of water on the side and place the straw in his mouth. He slurps a few times before dropping back on to the bed.

His eyes widen suddenly, as if he's only realised it's you. "Brendan," he croaks. "You came," and this time he smiles.

_You stupid man, leave. _

"Hmm, yeah."

"Cheryl told me you were here when I was brought in," he looks at you as if he wishes you'd stayed from that minute on.

You just nod and look anywhere but him. You don't have a clue what you can say to him. Words fail you more than ever.

"You can come near me you know. I haven't caught anything," he jokes lightly. But you can tell he's hurt that you won't move closer and look at him. "Thanks for visiting me."

"It's fine," you mumble. "You came to visit me, so it was only right."

_Dick. How insensitive do you want to sound? _

"Where's Douglas?" You ask. You don't care, but you'll say anything at this moment in time to move on quickly.

"Gone home," Ste sighs. "I can't believe I'm married."

"Congratulations."

_See? He is married to someone else; you do remember that bit, yeah? Yeah you do, so stop hurting yourself and just go. _

You lift your head up slightly and he's looking at you, tears in his eyes and he shakes his head. Tears run down his cheeks and your hearts breaks that little bit more.

"Not 'congratulations.'" He chokes, "what the fuck have I done?"

"Ye've married the person you love. That's what you normally do at a wedding." You finally find the motivation to move closer to him and sit beside him.

He wipes his tears away gently, he shakes his head.

"No. No, I've made a mistake… I can't even remember it Brendan," he looks at you. "And all I've thought about since I've been awake is _**you**__." _

You scratch your head and scoff. You can't hear this, not now. Not now when it's too late.

"Ye will remember in time. Douglas will remind ye and ye'll see then it wasn't a mistake," he pauses. "ye've got Douglas now Steven. Ye don't need me."

"I don't want to remember. I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry," his voice breaks and the tears stream down his face again.

"Hey, stop it," you sooth. Your hand finds his arm and you run your thumb over the fare hair there. "Don't let Douglas see ye like this."

He moves his arm away from your touch. It stings; the feel of his skin on yours was soothing not just for Steven, but yourself.

"Why aren't you listening to me? I know I've been in a coma, but I still know my feelings Bren." He breathes and he puts his arm back to where it was before and you instantly carry on running your thumb over his arm.

"I'm not saying ye don't, but it's been a stressful few days. Ye need time to think about what ye saying."

He moves his arm again, but this time his hand finds yours and he clings on to it.

"When Douglas told me we were married… I, well I just felt _sick. _I'm not saying I don't love him Brendan, 'cause I do, but I know what I've done is wrong. You were the person I wanted when I woke up; you are who I wanted to see when I woke up."

"I made a deal with God," your rush. "Told him if you lived I'd stay away-"

"Why would you want that?" He whispers. "That's not what I'd have wanted. It's not…you shouldn't have done that." He looks beyond hurt.

You breathe and shake your head. How can you answer him? Of course it's not what you wanted either. You thought it would have been for the best, you still do. He's staring at you, his forehead scrunched up. He's waiting for an answer.

"I just… I just thought it's what ye would have wanted. Ye had Douglas and it felt as if God was punishing me…for all that I've done to ye, to everyone."

"That's rubbish," he snaps at you. "God wouldn't have done that to you."

No, he would. You've had nothing but bad news all your life. Apart from the birth of your sons and your sisters' support and finding Steven, your life has been nothing but bad news.

"I've let him down…for once he listened to me. He let ye live and now I've gone back on my word." You scratch the back of your head, "I've fucked up again."

He entwines your fingers together and shakes his head weakly. "You are a good man Brendan. You…you make me feel safe, that's why I wanted you here. I don't feel empty anymore cause you've come to see me and… well, you've made me happy." He smiles.

Happy? You can't say you think you've made anyone happy before, maybe Cheryl when you've done a job for her at _Chez Chez _or when you've sent money over to the boys so they can buy the newest gadgets around, but never Steven.

You stare at him thoughtfully. His eyelashes looking longer than ever, his eyes much blue than you can remember, his nose cute and pointy and you remember the feel of it when he used to snuggle his face into your neck, his mouth full and pink, his face swollen from his injuries' and his body, _my god _his body. You can tell he's been working out, his shoulders are much broader and his arms are more muscular, you definitely appreciate the difference, but you can't help feel slight disappointed, cause you loved how his body was before. Then your attention turns back up to his neck and your heart drops slightly.

"Where's the cross?" You ask, accusingly.

"What?" He asks back, confused.

"The cross…my cross….well, your cross now but, where is it Steven?"

He looks at you as if you're going mad.

"Brendan, I don't know what you're talking about?" His forehead scrunches up more in confusion.

"I…I gave you my cross… for good luck. I thought ye would wear it, or at least have it on ye."

You're hurt. You aren't quite sure why, you realise that he couldn't hardly wear it, not with Doug around him, but you can't help it.

"I've got it," the American accent comes from behind you and you feel nothing but sudden rage when you face to see Doug there.

**A/N: Reviews would be lovely? First time I've written in this way, so constructive criticism would be helpful if you have any and don't mind taking the time to do so. Thanks. : ) **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you all for the reviews! You are a lovely bunch. : ) **

**So I read a spoiler today that I didn't like (27****th****) and I was planning on making this chapter full of angst, but I need fluff now, so that is what you'll be getting, fluff. **

**I realise the end of the last chapter was very soap style, but if people continue to read then I promise to try and avoid that. I'll shut up now…**

**Enjoy x**

"The nurses told me to take it," he says, "so I did." He pulls the cross out of his chinos and dangles it in front of you, 'here." He throws it at you and you catch it.

You look at him and he looks at you and Ste accusingly, as if you have both been up to something. Or that you've possibly tried it on with him, or some other evil thing he thinks you're capable of. You'd almost feel offended if it wasn't for the fact you don't blame him for looking so suspicious. You've had that fire in your belly since the minute you saw Ste, if you could, you'd have dragged him out of the hospital bed, drove him home and made lo… fucked him like never before.

"Ye had no right-"

"You didn't tell me he'd given it to me," Ste says, weakly. He rubs at his head gently, you can tell he's confused and he's fighting for his brain to work, and for his body to give him more strength.

"I would have told you once I got you back home Ste. You've only just woke up… it's been really hard." Doug speaks, moving to the other side of Ste and taking his hand. That's when you turn to look at your own hands and see them on top of Ste's, your thumbs stroking gently. You make to move your hands away, but Ste lifts his hand up with yours, keeping the contact and you decide to leave them where they are and rest them back on to the bed.

"And with the kids and running the deli alone I sort of forget," Doug says again, running his fingers through Ste's hair. "I'm sorry," he leans forward and kisses his forehead.

You look at them both and you've known for ages that Ste and him were the real deal, that you didn't really fit into Ste's life anymore, but seeing the affection from Doug makes it all the more real and raw.

You don't need or want to see anymore.

You cough awkwardly and grip Ste's hand one more time, "I'd best be off now," you stand and Ste doesn't let go, "see ye around Steven."

"I don't want you to go," he says looking up at you, "stay." He smiles hopeful.

Doug glares at you and you catch him looking down at your entwined fingers with Ste's. Ste seems oblivious to the whole situation and doesn't seem to have registered what Doug has said to him, it's almost as if he's blocked him out and all that he can see, hear and feel is you. It's just you two in the room.

"Brendan has his own stuff going on..."

"Doug, stop it," Ste finally acknowledges Doug, "I just want him to stay for a bit longer."

"I'm here now. Your husband," Doug reminds him and you can feel Ste's hand in yours stiffen.

You feel as if you've been stroking his hand with your thumbs for hours, but you carry on because you know he finds it a comfort. He grips your fingers slightly before letting go and sighing, "bye then Brendan."

-XO-

You've had a restless night. You've only had an hour or so of sleep. You stayed up till 5am, just sitting at the table drinking whiskey and playing back the day you'd had.

Your heads sore and you smell of spirits, but you have no motivation to move.

It's just hit 11o'clock and your phone vibrates on the side. It's Ste.

'_I'm home now. : ) I've told Doug to go to the deli + the kids are at nursery. I could do with seein ya? S x' _

You shouldn't even contemplate going over to see him. But if Doug is out and he's alone…there would be no harm. You can simply push the things aside that were said yesterday, you know the boy is still groggy, his frame of mind won't be in a stable place, you can't let yourself get carried away. You can't guarantee what he said was what he really meant. He just needs a friend, someone to talk to. You can be that person; you've just got to forget about it.

Yeah, you can just forget.

You shower quickly, change and grab your keys and head out of the door.

-XO-

He answers the door just after two knocks, like he'd been waiting near the door for your arrival. You notice straight away he looks better than yesterday…and the slight difficulty he has with the crouches. You look at him, amused.

"Don't…" he warns, "they're proper hard to control Bren," but he can't help but crack a small smile too.

"They should have stuck ye in a wheelchair," you say more serious this time, "you shouldn't be up and down all the time Steven."

You close the door behind you and he limps to the sofa.

"Its cause I've got help ini," Ste shrugs, "I'll be alright in a few days."

"Course ye will Steven, ye strong." You agree. "Tea?" You ask and put the kettle on when he nods.

"I don't feel it…I'm still in agony."

"Ye will be for a few days, just take it easy. Ye've got Douglas to do all the work."

He sighs, "He's proper doing my head in Brendan. He told me to stay away from you, ya know. It's like there's something he's not telling me, did summat happen between you two before the… ya know, wedding."

"Ye best asking him Steven," you make the teas and pass one to him and sit beside him. "Ye should talk to him if you feel there's something he's hiding."

"Ta," he slurps at the warm drink. "But he won't tell me Brendan, we've hardly spoke right, and I haven't got the energy to be worrying about what may or may not have happened between you two."

"Don't worry about it; it's not worth anymore stress, is it?"

You would happily remind him of the fact he called the wedding off and that Doug was trying to set him up and get him locked up the morning of the ridiculous wedding, but you know it isn't fair on the lad. You want Doug to tell him, see if he has the balls to do so. It's not as if you've lied to Ste…you just think it isn't worth worrying him anymore.

"This cuppa is actually nice Brendan…much better than the ones you used to make at _Chez Chez_," he comments and takes another sip.

_Thank you God, a change of subject, something you don't actually mind talking about._

"Ye remember that sort of stuff?"

"How can I forget," he smiles, "I used to pour them down the sink once you weren't looking and make a fresh one."

You raise an eyebrow, "I thought so, that's why I stopped, so ungrateful, Steven."

He shakes head, "Cheryl used to do the same."

You laugh. "That doesn't surprise me."

He holds the mug with both hands stretches out, his legs find themselves on over your legs and he sighs. "That's better. I've got a bad back, me."

You instantly warm up inside from the contact, your legs relaxing underneath after the initial reaction of his action. "Make ye self-comfy Steven, honest, I don't mind" You say, mocked tone.

He just smiles "shut up. You said I should relax, and I am!"

You both sit quietly for a while, just drink your teas. But you don't feel awkward, and you know Ste isn't either, his legs draping casually over your lap.

"Giving me your cross in the hospital was proper nice Brendan, thank you."

You look up at him and shrug, "it was nothing. Just wanted ye to be alright…"

"But you never take it off, so to even do that, let alone give it to me, must have been hard."

You shake your head in disagreement. "It was the easiest thing I've done Steven. Ye needed it more than me, I needed… just don't thank me, ok? I'm just happy ye still here and that the kiddies have still got their dad."

He smiles sadly. "Yeah, and Doug's still got a husband, eh?"

You place your hand on his leg, "I told ye yesterday things will get better. Ye just need a few days to come round."

He looks thoughtfully at your hand on his leg and you begin to stroke slightly with your fingers, you see a flicker of contentment in his eyes, and he nips his bottom lip with his teeth. You should stop, you promised yourself you would forget about what was said yesterday, but he seems so defiant and sure of what he's still saying, that you can't help but show affection and smile back at him.

"That's nice," he says simply. "Better than any medicine they gave me in hospital."

"Ye know I've got the touch Steven."

"The Brendan Brady ego has landed," he laughs. "Behave, or that's the last compliment you'll be getting from me."

"That hurts Steven," you move your hand away from his leg and he scrunches his forehead up at you and you laugh "problem?"

"Yeah, you've stopped. You know I was messing!"

"I don't think ye deserve my touch anymore after your comments, do ye?"

He groans and pokes his toes in to your rib cage, "I'm hurting though…carry on, please."

He flutters his eyelashes at you effortlessly and you grunt as you place your hand back on his leg and you continue to stroke it.

"Works every time," he says cheekily and you can't help but both smile at each other.

-XO-

"Can you not stay a bit longer? Doug doesn't finish for another hour and the kids' are going to a friends after nursery."

"Want me to make ye something to eat then?"

You know you should be on your way now. But you feel the addictiveness for the lad around you reaching a whole new high. You told him you needed to go 20 minutes ago and he convinced you to stay longer, and you've said the same thing now and he's made it difficult for you to even contemplate leaving even though you don't really even want to leave, and you'd stay here forever if you could.

"I don't think beans and toast will fill me enough Brendan…"

"I can cook now, too."

"I bet you still burn everything, though."

You grin. "Nothing wrong with a bit of burnt food, it adds to the taste."

He laughs and holds his side in pain, "ye ok?"

He nods and sighs, "kind of forgot how to laugh proper." He smiles at you, "beans and toast will do great, thanks."

-XO-

You sit to eat the ever so slightly burnt toast and beans at the table. He gets the brown sauce and squirts it all over his plate.

Something you normally do with yours. You stare at him until he notices, "what?" He asks, "You told me it was nice once…so I tried it, and it actually is." He passes the sauce over to you and you do the same.

You grin slightly before eating.

_What the hell is wrong with you? You're like a little girl with butterflies, MAN UP, Brendan. _

-XO-

You really can't stay much longer; you gave Ste the tablets he said he was due to take, put the TV on for him and washed and put away the cutlery you had used.

"I don't want you to go," Ste looks at you, his arms folded across his chest and his bottom lip sticking out.

"Douglas will be back soon..."

"I know, I know," he moans. "Bye then."

"Steven, look-"

"Just go Brendan, go on. Just like all the other times you've left me," his voice breaks and he grunts, "thanks for today."

"It's not as easy as that, is it?" You snap, "ye think I wanna leave ye here? With Douglas, ye fucking husband! It's killing me, but I'm holding it in for _you_ cause this is what ye wanted, Steven. Ye made ye bed, now ye've gotta lie in it."

He's crying now and you lean against the wall for support, it pains you to see him so confused and…lost.

"I'm sorry OK! I messed up, I know I have. But I'm not happy Brendan… I'm not. Today has been the first day I've had of _real_ happiness in months. And I know you think I don't know what I'm saying, but I do! I can't pretend I don't love-"

"Babe, I'm back!" Doug comes through the door like lightning, as if he can't get back to Ste quick enough. He stops to a Holt when he says you, his face drops and he looks between you both, his eyes dark. "What's he doing here, Ste?"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: ARGH, I made a mistake in the last chapter. Ste doesn't have a bloody phone to be able to even text Brendan. :/ I know it will be hard, but can we please try and brush over this wee fact, LOL? It won't work I don't think now…huff. I'm sorry for the mistake! **

**You lot are great, please keep reviewing. : ) **

**Enjoy x**

"Answer me then!" Doug shouts, "I told you to stay away from him."

"I told him to come over, alright!"

Doug face falls, his eyes wary. You look over at Ste and watch helplessly, he's crying quietly. You know it's nothing to do with Doug coming home early to find you here and shouting; it's because of the argument between you both. And he was about to tell you he still _loved _you.

"Maybe ye should calm down, Douglas-"

"You don't get to tell _me_ what to do," he snaps. "I guess you came here to tell him about what happened?"

You just shake your head slightly; you don't want it to come out like this.

"I knew there was something," Ste croaks. "What is it?"

"Nothing," you and Doug both say in unison.

Ste laughs angrily, "don't keep treating me like an idiot! You've been acting dead weird since the minute I got home Doug…" he turns to look at you. "You told me that there was nothing going on."

"I don't want ye stressed, Steven."

Doug scoffs, "you've been causing him stress for the past two years. Don't pretend that's changed now."

That does it for you; you should have told Ste in the first place anyway. "If ye must know Steven, Douglas here was trying to get me locked up the morning of ye wedding…ye even called off the wedding. But then ye came round to the club didn't you, Douglas?"

He looks and scratches his head furiously, "do you want me to tell Ste what you did, huh? This isn't doing you any favours, Brendan."

"Steven already knew," you state simply.

"Knew what!?" Ste's shout ripples through the flat.

"That I killed Danny for ye," you whisper.

Doug's face drops, you look at him; his face crimpled with hurt and confusion, but his eyes are blank. He stares at his husband, "you kept something like that quiet, Ste?" He hisses quietly, "he's a murderer…and you didn't think to report it to the police?"

"It wasn't even like that… he killed him for me," Ste whispers. "He was keeping me safe."

"That doesn't make it right Ste. In fact, it makes you worse than him."

You can understand Yankee boys problem with this, but there's no way you're letting him speak about Ste like that.

"He's a good man Douglas, he's nothing like me."

He's having none of it; he grabs his keys and heads to the door to leave, "you make me sick."

"Where you going" Ste asks in panic, "you can't go the police-"

Doug scoffs and shakes his head bitterly, "don't worry, your dirty secrets safe with me."

"Are you coming back?" You look at Ste, why does he even care if he'll come back? You can't help but feel hurt, especially after what he's been saying to you the past two days, but you realise you were right, he's confused, he doesn't know what he's talking about.

You feel deflated, you went against your better judgement and almost believed that he would give you another chance, that you could get him back together and that the both of you could wave goodbye to your pasts and you'd finally be together, properly; a fresh start, just the two of you.

"I need space Ste, time to think things over."

"You've lied to me too," Ste breathes, "you did all that on the morning of _our _wedding how could you?"

Doug just laughs and raises his arms up in the air in despair, "because he will never be out of our lives, Ste! And today has just proved that, and I hardly think what I did is the same as the secrets you've kept from me, so save your lecture."

"He did it for me," you say. "So if you want to have a go, I'm your man."

Doug turns and shakes his head, "you just aren't worth it anymore, Brendan. You'll never leave us alone, will you?"

You look at Ste's worried face, you don't know if it's because he's scared of your answer or because he's scared of losing Douglas. You go for the latter. His concern before about Doug not coming back tells you all you need to know.

You've done this before; you can be strong enough to break the lad free again.

You scratch your head, looking down at the floor and shrug. "Yeah, yeah," you repeat, you look up and smooth your moustache down quickly and head for the door, "I'm going back to Dublin…for good, first thing tomorrow. Ye weren't see or hear of me again. Just don't go to the police Douglas, if not for me, but for Steven, ok? He needs ye."

"You always come back, Brendan." Doug says, unbelieving.

"Not this time, it's time to move on. See my kids-"

"Brendan, you can't just go." Ste's voice sends heat through your body; you can't bear to look at him. "Everything will be alright…what about all that I said-"

"See ye," you escape quickly, you don't want to hear anymore. You know what he said, you know you want to believe him, but you need to realise he isn't ready to let go of what he has for Doug.

That's where his heart lies, but you can't help but stop and turn back to look at the door, as you hear your own name being repeated in loud cries, Ste's loud shouts vibrating through the flat.

-XO-

It's 5:00am in the morning. You've left Cheryl a note, explaining where you are going, but you don't let her know you're going for good…she will literally hunt you down, so you just say for Christmas, and hope she believes you.

You gather your bags, and take one last look around the flat. You look up the stairs to where you sister is sleeping peacefully, unaware of your departure. You feel awful leaving you little sis, you hope that she will forgive you in time.

Then you look to the sofa; the place where you and Ste had slept together after you told him you loved him. And God was it amazing. You remember it like it was yesterday, and you wish it was something you could do forever. But then again, you remember the aftermath too, Eileen finding you both, the mess it caused.

You don't think you'll ever have complete happiness for more than a short while. Something, someone, will always mess it up for you, and you know, that 9 times out of 10 that, that someone or something is yourself.

You grunt and zip your coat up, and quietly lock the door behind you and head down the stairs to your car.

"Brendan," you hear the faint whisper and turn around sharply.

"What the fuck…"

"Please don't leave me."

"Steven, it's 5 in the morning for god sake! Get home!"

It's hard to see him in the dark, but he walks forward, and the street lamp shines on him more, "I've been in the deli…waiting for you to leave."

"How did ye know I'd be going at this time?"

He shrugs and shivers from the cold, "I know you Bren, you wouldn't have wanted to worry Cheryl, and so going now whilst she's sleeping was your best bet, right?"

"Something like that, yeah." You look back up the stairs and then to your car, "get in, I'll drive ye home."

"I can't."

"Yeah ye can, I've got a plane to catch in 3 hours Steven, and I haven't got time for this."

Ste tots, "so you could easily just leave me, yeah? Without a second thought, without saying bye…after everything we've been through."

Now it's your turn to tot, "exactly Steven, it's because of what we've been through that I'm leaving. I can't stay now…Douglas will-"

"What if I told you I've left him," he blurts.

"What?" You aren't quite sure if you've heard him correctly.

"I've left him Brendan."

He seems so calm and confident, he carries on speaking. "We argued, he told me all about the stuff before the wedding, how I found the recording on the phone, how I found out about him meeting up with Shawnee…just everything."

"And Douglas has just let you leave like this? No fight?"

He nods, "he knew it was no good. I told him… ya know, that I still loved you, and that the thought of you going for good scared me to death."

"Ye can't do this Steven…"

"Why?" He folds his arms across his chest defiantly, "you tell me now, right here, that you know this isn't the right thing to do? Go on, but I mean it Brendan, this is our last chance…I'm taking a leap of faith here. Why can't you just let yourself see that this makes sense? Me an you… it's always been me and you."

"Ye still conf-"

"Don't you dare use that as an excuse! I am not confused, ok? I thought I could work things out with Doug, but it wouldn't be fair on him and I wouldn't be happy."

"What about the kids?"

"If you cancel your plane flight for a different time, we could all go together," he smiles.

You stand in disbelieve, is this just some sick joke? Or maybe you're asleep and having a dream and you will be rudely be awaken by Cheryl's singing, bringing you back to reality.

"What about your injuries, are ye gonna be safe to fly?"

He just chuckles, "of course I will be!"

"What if I hurt you again…what if it doesn't work out, or you realise ye've made a mistake-"

"Brendan!" He shuts you up, "will you stop worrying? This is what I want, and I know it's what you want too."

"Ye crazy," you smile at him and he laughs.

"Gotta be to be in love with you, haven't I?"

He reaches for your hand and you grip his tightly, as if your life depends on it. You want this, you do. But the voice in your head is telling you this could be a massive mistake, with your track record this could be heading for disaster.

But you _really, REALLY _want this to happen. He takes a step closer to you and smiles up at you, "so what's it to be, Brendan? Yes or no?

**A/N: The Dublin spoilers just keep on getting better, don't they? NOT. Don't understand why they have to do to this to Stendan, all they want and what the fans want is HAPPINESS. I'm nearly at the end of my tether to be honest, but I'm clinging on!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This is going to be AU from now on in.**

**Not a very big response to the last chapter, I hope people will continue to read and review. Please and thank you. : ) **

**Enjoy x **

"What if the kids don't want to leave, what if you change your mind, what if Douglas makes it hard for you to leave-"

"Can you please just shut up?" He places his hands on your chest, your heart beating fast, but the contact calms it down, "we will deal with the 'what ifs' later, Brendan."

"Ye've lived here for years Steven-"

"Do you not want me to come with you; is this what all this is about?" His face falls and he drops his hands from your chest.

"No! I'd love ye to come with me, of course I would. But it's not that easy." You grab for his hand, "sorry."

He sighs and entwines his fingers with yours, "when has anything been easy when it's come to us, eh? I know it is gonna be dead hard and that, ya know, adapting to change, but as long as I got you… I don't care."

You smile at him, "cute."

"So Mr Worrier, are we doing this, or what?"

You look at him thoughtfully. His grip on your hand strong, his body stood tall, his nose and chin lifting up confidently, his eyes wide and hopeful, the small smile playing on his lips.

You smile stupidly. You have your answer.

-XO-

You've told Steven to go home and pack the kids' stuff and try and leave Doug on good terms. You cancel the first booked plane and book a different time for later tonight.

The only thing with turning back up in to the flat means you'll have to answer Cheryl's 20 questions when she wakes up.

You rip the letter up and throw it in to bin. You stick the kettle on and make yourself a tea. Sitting at the table you decide you'll speak to Cheryl face to face.

-XO-

"Morning love," she chirps happily enough, coming down the stairs.

"I've made ye breakfast," you turn to smile at her from the stove.

She smiles back at you and wraps her night gown around her tighter, "I know. The smell of burnt bacon woke me."

You laugh and shrug, "so ye going to turn down a full breakfast are ye?"

You hand her, her mug of tea and she leans up to kiss you on the cheek, "thanks. What are ya up to, Brendan?" She asks suspiciously.

You place the plate in front of her and you both sit at the table.

"Why does there have to be anything?" You ask digging in to your scrambled egg.

She sighs. "Because there always is with you, so hit me with it now."

"Jesus Chez, I'm humbled by the sisterly love here."

"Is it to do with Walker?" She asks wary and you stop in your tracks, your blood boiling just at the mention of his name.

You shake your head sharply, "ye never have to worry about him again, ok?"

She nods in agreement, but you can tell she is unsure.

Now you worry about leaving her here. How do you know that she will be 100% safe from Walker? There's hardly anyone you can ask to stick around and keep an eye on her here. That's when you realise you would have gone to Ste to do that, her best friend, _your _best friend.

You grunt awkwardly and shift in your chair, "there was something, but it doesn't matter now."

She watches you intently and you squirm, she knows you're lying. Of course it still matters. She shakes her head and places her hand over yours gently, "ya lying. You can tell me, I can handle it, whatever it is." She smiles, "please."

You take a deep breath and let it all gush out. "Dublin. I- me and Steven are going to Dublin… together, with the kids'. But now I'll cancel, ye need me here."

She lets go of your hand to pull her chair in closer to the table, she leans over closer and confusion sets on her features. "What?" Is all she can seem to say, she then shakes her head slowly and smiles a bit, "you're so daft!"

You look at her affronted, "ye what?" It's your turn to be confused.

"Ya cannot stay here… not when there's the chance of a fresh start." She pauses, "oh my god, does this mean Ste and Doug have split up? Ya haven't killed Doug, have you?"

She's kidding, sort of. You think.

You scoff, "thanks sis. No I haven't touched a hair on Douglas. Steven broke up with him last night," you watch her expression turn to shock, "I know, I was just as shocked as ye."

"But they were so happy…"

You shake your head, "they weren't. Steven hasn't been happy Chez, and I know he'd be better off with Douglas… but he's sure this is what he wants. He's so sure, I haven't had to play any games to get him where I want him, I haven't manipulated him…he came to me on his own accord"

You know you're grinning again; you haven't been able to stop since this morning. You would try and stop it from getting wider, but you realise you no longer care. You know you don't deserve Ste, but you think maybe now you're ready to start believing that you actually deserve to be happy. That with Ste's support, you'll get there in the end. And with the words and advice of Father Des still in your head, you know you're as ready as you'll ever be.

You _have _changed, and you feel so, _so_ good.

"I'm actually speechless!" Cheryl grins at you, "look at that grin, Brendan! I've never seen ya so happy."

She stands up and pulls you by your arm to stand too. Her arms wrap around your neck and she holds you tightly when you wrap your arms around her for a hug. "I've got Annalise... Joel, I won't be on my own," she whispers in your ear happy, "don't you worry about me, I might be your little sis, but I can look after myself." She steps back and holds your face in her hands, "I know it's been a tough few months…but you're still my brother and I love you. I want you to be happy, and however much you may deny it, we both know you need Ste just as much as he needs you. Don't ruin this chance cause you're worried about me, just promise we'll stay in touch, yeah?"

Her eyes glitter with tears slightly and she smiles tight, you nod and pull her back for a hug. You don't want to see her crying, "I love ye."

-XO-

"Ring me as soon as you get there, ok?"

Cheryl has been like a little child in candy shop since you told her. She's gone through your bags to make you've packed everything, moaned at you for just throwing them in the bags without any real care, hugged you million times and squealed like some sort of crazed fan girl.

"Stop ye fussing, Chez. I will ring ye as soon as we arrive, I promise."

"Ya best not hurt him Brendan," she suddenly turns serious. "I want you two to be happy, you've got to give yourself that chance, ok? It's probably gonna be hard for you guys, and I don't want you ruining things."

She doesn't need to tell you that, you know already. You know anything could happen in Dublin, but you aren't prepared to lose Ste again. You kiss your sister on the cheek, "I promise I won't ruin it this time."

She hugs you tightly one last time and smiles again, "good. You're gonna have a great time, I'll miss ya though."

"I'm gonna miss ye too, but I'll phone ye every day."

"I know you will, or I'll be coming over to Dublin myself to give ya a slap," she smiles warmly. She pauses for a while, "bye then."

You can tell she is going to set off again, if you see her cry you are going to end up staying. You pick your bags up and kiss her on cheek, tell her you love her and exit quickly.

Once out, you turn to look at the blue door you've walked in and out of so many times, and you realise now that you've exited it for the last time. You walk to the railings and look around the village, the club, the deli, Price Slice, the deli, the flower shop, the gym.

You didn't think you would, but you're going to miss more than just your baby sister, you are going to miss this place too.

-XO-

You drive round to Ste's and when you get there he's already outside, suitcases and bags in toe, along with Leah and Lucas.

You climb out and look at Ste, smiling from ear to ear, your smile matches his.

You walk up to them, "everything ok?"

He nods and continues to grin. "Yeah, the kids are dead excited."

"Their Daddy looks just as excited," you say amused.

He blushes slightly, "alright, I am as well."

"Me too," you agree. You look down at Leah and Lucas and Leah gives you the thumbs up, both of them smiling broadly.

"Can we go now?" Leah asks.

"Ye ready?" You ask, picking up Ste's luggage before he can even answer.

"Yeah I am," he smiles and licks his lips. "I can carry them, you know."

He bends down to pick up one of Leah's bags and he groans when he stands back up, "it's just me back." He explains, "I'm alright, honest."

You look at him worried, "where's your crouches?"

"Oh Brendan, I don't need them. I'm fine, can we just go."

"Ye go wait in the car and I'll get them."

"Doug's in there," he whispers. "He's not good Brendan…it's just going to aggravate him if you go in there."

"I thought he was ok with this."

He rolls his eyes at you as if you're stupid, "Brendan, he's not ok with it. He just knows there's no future for us…he knows me and him will never work. He's doing this for me, not because he wants to."

You nod and look through the net curtains, you see Doug's figure near the window, "maybe we should talk to him together, try and calm him down."

Ste just shakes his head, "he said he needs space, Brendan. The least we can do is respect that."

"I don't want him hating ye… me I can deal with, but I know that'll hurt ye."

He sighs at you. "It'll only be what I deserve. But it'll be ok in the end, I told him I'll always want to be his friend, ya know, for when he is ready? This is for the best Bren."

You snap out of it and take his hand, "sure this is what you want?"

He looks at you as if you're taking the piss, you need to be sure, there's nothing wrong with reassurance, is there? He nods at you slowly as if you're a small child, "yeah! You aren't having doubts, are you?"

You just laugh. "No, I've never been this sure about anything-"

"Daddy, Brendan, hurry up!" You turn to see Leah and Lucas are waiting at the car, you smile.

"It seems they take after their Dad when it comes to bossiness." You joke, sort of.

He just grins and shakes his head at you, "and you aren't? You know you love it."

He looks at you cheekily and all you can do is make a "mhmm" sound. Now is not the time to be flirting and getting hot under the collar.

You've got a plane to catch.


End file.
